According To Wes

Brick By Painful Brick

• Wes • Episode 12

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What lies behind the walls we build around our hearts? Why do we sometimes push away the very connection we crave most deeply? This exploration of emotional barriers goes straight to the heart of a profound paradox in human relationships, revealing the silent tests we create for others.

The walls we build aren't always meant to keep people out—sometimes they're secret pleas to see who cares enough to break them down. These protective barriers manifest in various ways: emotional distance, testing boundaries, critical behavior, and self-sabotage. The reasons behind them run deep: fear of vulnerability (particularly challenging for men), past betrayals leaving emotional scars, testing others' sincerity, and fundamental issues with self-worth. When we don't believe we deserve connection, we unconsciously create obstacles that prove our negative beliefs.

For those facing someone else's walls, patience and discernment become essential skills. Not every barrier is a test—some represent genuine boundaries that deserve respect. The challenge lies in distinguishing between walls that mask yearning and boundaries that signal true limits. Direct, gentle communication, consistent care, and sincere effort can help navigate these complex emotional landscapes without becoming intrusive. True courage exists on both sides: in those willing to persist with empathy, and in those gradually dismantling their protective barriers brick by painful brick. Behind the most distant people often lies a heart desperately hoping someone will recognize their unspoken plea for meaningful connection.

Wes:

Welcome to the According to Wes podcast, where I delve into the complexities of human connection, vulnerability and the unspoken languages we sometimes use. I'm your host, wes, and today we're exploring a profound and often misunderstood aspect of human behavior, encapsulated perfectly by this quote Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. This isn't just a quote from a famous philosopher or something you find in an ancient text, but it resonates deeply with so many of us because it touches on a raw, often vulnerable truth about how we navigate relationships and protect ourselves. It speaks to a subtle, almost unconscious test that we sometimes impose on others, a silent plea for reassurance and genuine connection. Like, if you tell me you like savory oatmeal or you don't wash your legs in the shower, I'm not gonna lie, I think I'm gonna put up a wall. Uh, that's just weird to me. I'm afraid of, I'm afraid what might come next, because I'm gonna. But on a serious note, let's, let's unpack that idea.

Wes:

What kind of walls are we talking about? We're not talking about the you know the physical brick and mortar, of course. We're talking about emotional walls, behavioral barriers and even subtle forms of self-sabotage that create distance and these walls can manifest themselves in many ways. Like I was saying, creating emotional distance. You might become less communicative, less willing to share personal feelings or withdraw from social interactions. Definitely done that Guilty there, you know. You test boundaries with people. You might create subtle changes or challenges or appear aloof to see if someone persists in reaching out. Don't really do that too much. If I'm aloof, I appear aloof to see if someone persists in reaching out. Don't really do that too much. If I'm aloof, I'm aloof, I want to be left alone. I don't. I'm not seeing if you're reaching out, but also pushing people away.

Wes:

Sometimes it's a self-protective mechanism that inadvertently creates a barrier, like being overly critical or seemingly uninterested, or even when, even when you crave it's a connection, you're still pushing those people away because you, you want to see who, you want to see who breaks through. You're saying things, you're being mean and you know that's never good. I've dealt with that and uh. But I guess in saying all this, the the the real question is why do we do this? Why would we put up walls, even subconsciously, when what we truly crave is a connection?

Wes:

However, like most things, the answer may lie in our deepest fears and desires. A fear of vulnerability is probably the biggest driver. To truly connect with someone, we have to be vulnerable, we have to open ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt, rejected or misunderstood, and that's some scary ass shit. Putting up a wall is a defense mechanism for all of us. It's a way of saying I'm not going to let you get close enough to hurt me, and as a man, I truly know what that's like. I think all people know what that's like. But it's a can't say, it's another. You know, men and women have their uh, their uh, their issues when it comes to the fear of being vulnerable but, I guess I'm here to say men.

Wes:

Men have moments of feeling vulnerable too, or have a fear of being vulnerable. Let let's just put it that way. So no, even if you are, if you've been hurt in the past, whether through betrayal or abandonment or emotional pain, those experiences can leave scars. These scars often manifest as protective walls. You learn to guard your heart, not wanting to repeat painful experiences. The wall becomes a shield, even if it prevents new, healthy connections. And also we put up walls to test sincerity. This is where the who cares enough to break them down part comes in. Sometimes the wall is a desperate plea for reassurance, if it's a way of asking do you truly, are you willing to put forth an effort? Are you willing to put in the effort? I don't know why I'm tongue-tied today, but am I worth fighting for?

Wes:

When we feel insecure about our value or whether someone's affection is genuine, we might unconsciously create a hurdle to see if they'll jump over it. It's a way of verifying the depth of their commitment and care. It's also the self-worth issues. If we don't believe we are worthy of love or deep connection, we might unconsciously push people away. The wall becomes a reflection of our internal belief that they'll leave anyway. So why bother getting close? Or I'm not good enough for this kind of relationship.

Wes:

By creating a barrier, we're almost proving our own negative beliefs to ourselves. Now for those on the other side of the wall which we find ourselves on from time to time sometimes we are the wall builder, sometimes we are a person trying to break down the wall, the, however, the people we encounter, the people with these barriers. It's a tricky situation because these walls aren't always you know, they're not always obvious. They can feel like rejection or disinterest or even rudeness, and if you encounter someone who seems to be putting up a wall, it's important to practice empathy and discernment. Not every wall is a test. Some people are genuinely busy, genuinely overwhelmed or dealing with their own struggles.

Wes:

However, if you suspect it might be a subtle plea for a connection, practice patience with them. Don't immediately give up. If you truly value the person or the relationship, a little persistence and patience goes a long way. A gentle reach out or a continued effort to connect can go a long way. This doesn't mean being intrusive or overbearing, but rather showing consistent, caring presence. Another thing that might help is direct communication. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is gently address the perceived distance. For example hey, been quiet lately, everything good, I'm here if you want to talk, you know. At least that leaves the door open. Also, be sincere when you say it Don't sound like a robot, don't sound like it's bothering you that you have to say that to them.

Wes:

You know, for our friends that do go a lot or go through a lot, or our family that do go through a lot, but you know, during that process it's also good to you know, respect their boundaries when they are firm. It's it's it's it's crucial to distinguish between a wall that's a test and a boundary that's a firm no, between a wall that's a test and a boundary that's a firm no. If someone consistently pushes you away or explicitly states they need space, then respecting the boundary is vital.

Wes:

Not every wall is meant to be broken down especially if it's a healthy boundary or for someone's well-being. The quote implies a desire for the wall to be broken down, not a complete rejection. And I ain't gonna lie, all the husbands or, uh, that's listening out there, it's, it's, it's, that's the, that's the hardest part. Uh, all that stuff that I just named because it's you know, marriage is not easy get put through the ringer sometimes trying to figure out if this is a boundary, or is this a test, or is this a new boundary, or is this boundary even gonna last, which I guess is just a wall? I don't know, relationships with people could be hard.

Wes:

Um, hearing, just hearing myself talk about all that had to side note, geez. But yeah, I guess that's where the self-reflection comes in, that you know when they're putting up their walls and stuff like, uh, yeah, when they're putting up their walls and stuff like that's, uh, you can also use that as an opportunity to reflect on your own approach to the relationship, like, are you truly showing up, are you listening, are you making an effort? And maybe those, maybe those walls are now legit boundaries where they're like, you know what? You don't listen to me, so I'm just not even talking to you about that, or we're not even going to approach that anymore and maybe it's an actual, legit wall that they want to see you break down because of past hurt. Maybe the last motherfucker ain't listen to her, or you know it's so many things to her, or you know it's so many things.

Wes:

Relationships are complex, you know. But At the core this quote, there lies a bittersweet irony. Like we put up walls to protect ourselves, no doubt, but in doing so we also create a hurdle for that very connection we often desire. It's a paradox of human emotion. It's a. It's a. It's like a trick bag, it's.

Wes:

And I think it also starts with just being emotionally not emotionally, of course, being emotionally intelligent, but being aware that this is a normal thing that humans do. It is a defense mechanism. I know I don't know anyone that does not put up walls from time to time and or boundaries. It is what it is. It is what it is. But for those of us who find ourselves building these walls, either consciously or unconsciously, it's always important that we reflect on why we're doing it. What fears are driving this behavior? What past hurts are we trying to avoid? What kind of reassurance are we seeking? Understanding the root cause is the first step towards dismantling these protective barriers when they are no longer serving us. True courage often lies in not building higher walls in a slow, deliberate process of lowering them brick by brick. Shout out to Franklin.

Wes:

Saint brick by brick, brick by painful brick, to allow genuine connection to flourish. And that is always the hardest part being self-aware, changing your actions. What's driving it? Is it a past fear? Is it a past hurt? Do I need some type of reassurance or validation?

Wes:

We're not perfect and for those who encounter these walls, remember that behind them often lies a person yearning for a connection, perhaps scared by past experiences or desperately hoping that someone would see past the barrier and recognize the vulnerable heart within.

Wes:

It's a reminder that relationships require effort, empathy and willingness to navigate the unspoken complexities of human emotion.

Wes:

And willingness to navigate the unspoken complexities of human emotion. It's about looking beyond the surface, recognizing that sometimes the most distant people are the ones who need connection the most. Are we trying to tell people but you know, I'm just talking, yeah, but you know I'm just I'm just talking. So the next time you feel that impulse to pull away, consider the possibility that it might not be a rejection, but rather a quiet, anxious test, a plea to see if you care enough to try and understand, to persevere and to show them that they are indeed who we're fighting for, because true connection isn't always easy. It often requires us to look beyond what's immediately apparent, to show up with empathy and to sometimes gently but persistently, help break down the invisible walls that separate us. That separate us. Thank you for joining me today. I hope this discussion with myself and with you guys has opened up new perspectives on how to navigate relationships with your loved ones and give more perspective on the silent messages we sometimes send people.

Wes:

Until next time. Be kind to others and be kind to yourself.