According To Wes

Expecting Rudeness Can Make You Kinder

• Wes • Episode 19

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A calmer day often starts before the day starts. We take Marcus Aurelius’ blunt morning mantra—expect interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill will, and selfishness—and turn it into a practical routine that lowers anger, strengthens boundaries, and grows compassion. Instead of waiting to be blindsided by messy human behavior, we walk through how to anticipate it, name it on contact, and choose a response that protects your peace without slipping into cynicism.


Wes:

Welcome to the According to West Podcast, where we explore the enduring wisdom that empowers us to navigate the challenges of modern life. I'm your host Wes, and today we're diving into a challenging but incredible practical quote from the Roman emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius. This quote is a daily mental exercise, a kind of pregame or warm-up for a life filled with people. The quote goes Begin each day by telling yourself, today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill will, and selfishness. All of them due to the offenders, ignorance of what is good or evil. This isn't a cynical, pessimistic mantra. It's the it's actually the exact opposite. It's a pragmatic, proactive exercise and mental preparation. It's this quote teaches us that the best way to handle the difficult people we will inevitably encounter is to anticipate them. It's given us a tool to disarm our anger, our frustration, and disappointment before they even arise. He is telling us that our peace of mind is not found by wishing people were different, but by preparing for them to be exactly as they are. So let's unpack this daily practice and understand why this seemingly negative preparation is the key to unshakable calm. The first part of the quote: begin each day by telling yourself today I shall be met with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill will, and selfishness is a stark but realistic list of human vices. Marcus Aurelius is asking us to do the opposite of what we're often told to do. We're told to be optimistic, to hope for the best, and to assume everyone is good. While these sentiments are well-intentioned, they can leave us emotionally unprepared for the reality of human behavior. When someone is rude to us after we have assumed they be pleasant, the shock and disappointment can be immense. This quote tells us to set our expectations with reality in mind. It's not about being a pessimist, it's about being a realist. He's saying, prepare for the chaos. Some examples of this, uh, let's just say interference. Interference could be the colleagues who derail your meetings. Like I've been in situations. I've been in a most recent situation that that kind of threw me off guard and actually ruined my whole meeting was when I was uh I was preparing to uh I was preparing to uh I was preparing for my portion of a team meeting where I had to go up and speak to what I had to speak to and things of that nature. And five seconds in, uh I get interrupted with the I get interrupted by the the offices uh the actually guy. Like actually, this, this is this, this isn't that. And it was one of those things where it's like five seconds in, like I didn't even begin to actually describe what I was talking about. It's like he made the point for me. He had to say something. Ruined my whole fucking day. Was not prepared for that, but that's one of those things I should be prepared for and and every day. And gratitude, the person who, the person you help who doesn't say thank you, definitely used to that. I I that I've gotten to a point where when I help, it's I'm helping because I want to. I'm not even looking for it, it's just the fact that I put it out there. I'm a fan of putting it out there because I truly believe you do receive it somewhere, somewhere in the future. And I've been in situations where I've been on the other end where I don't say thank you. Gets the car or gets wherever I'm getting to. Like, dang, I didn't say thank you. I'm glad they held the door open for me, or I'm glad they did that for me. Still makes me feel good, it still leaves an impact. So I imagine, you know, if I go through that sometimes on the other end that they do too. So I do it because I want to. I know it's putting good out there. Insolence. The rude customer service agent. That's an example. Now, I don't do do too much with custard, I don't deal too much with uh calling customer service with anything, but I do frequent the Chipotle's and the collas and stuff. And recently at Chipotle, I got examples for days with this man. I go in here, boom, I'm saying, hey, can I get a salad bowl? Brown rice, this, this, and that. Clear as day. The guy makes my bowl. But no lettuce. Gave me carne asada and all of some other stuff. And he's like, that's it. And I said, yo, I asked for a salad bowl. And then he makes a salad bowl. Brown rice, whatever, whatever, this isn't that. But I guess I don't know if he was like inebriated or something like that, but he was not, he was not putting two and two together that, hey, your first order for me is wrong. This is what I asked for. And I had to go through this whole thing where telling the next person up, like, hey, that's not my bowl. And then she couldn't understand why that wasn't my bowl. I said, he made the wrong bowl. That's not my bowl. I don't want that bowl. The other bowl behind that bowl is my bowl. Now I expect that with customer service wherever I go to, uh, as far as like food and things like that. And that's probably why I don't like to eat out like that, because it's gonna happen. I accept it, but I also don't play with my food. Like if I'm paying for it, I want to eat what I want to eat. Another example, disloyalty, the friend who gossips about you. And to kind of wrap my head around that, I just I walk around with the belief that all my friends, even my closest friends, they gossip about me in some type of way. It is my job to make sure that I don't have a lot of crazy stuff for them to uh that I don't want out there. So if it's out there, it's out there. If I tell you something in confidence and I say, please don't tell no one, then and you do, then you know, I'll I'll address that when it needs to be addressed. But I I I just assume that all my friends do this. Like if they I was once talking to one of my friends, like, oh, you don't tell your wife everything? I'm like, no. If one of my friends say, hey, don't even tell your wife, I'm not telling my wife. Their secrets are always safe with me. I don't know if my secrets are safe with them. Maybe that means I need to re-evaluate. My friends, don't know. Another example is ill will, the competitor who secretly hopes you fail. I'm an assuming I got everyone wants me to fail. In selfishness. The person who puts their own needs ahead of everyone else's. By anticipating these behaviors, you take away their power to shock and upset you. When they happen, you can say to yourself, Ah, here's that ingratitude I was expecting. It's just part of the day. The simple act of mental preparation is a form of emotional armor. Now for the most crucial part of the quote, the part that transformed this from a cynical observation into a powerful tool for compassion. All of them due to the offender's ignorance of what is good or evil. This is the key to the entire practice. When you see someone behaving badly, you don't just anticipate their vice, you diagnose its root cause. Aurelius says that people don't behave badly out of malice or because they are inherently evil. They do it because they are ignorant of what is good. They don't understand that their actions are harmful to themselves and to others. They are suffering from a kind of moral blindness. The insolent person is ignorant of the peace that comes from being respectful. The disloyal person is ignorant of the trust and security that come from being faithful. The selfish person is ignorant of the joy and connection that comes from giving to others. When you see a rude person, instead of getting angry, you can think this person is struggling. They don't understand that their behaviors is harming them and separating them from others. They are a victim of their own ignorance. This mental reframing shifts your emotion from anger to compassion. It's difficult to be truly angry with someone you see as suffering from a form of ignorance. Now, it may be difficult to be truly angry from someone you see as suffering from a form of ignorance, but it doesn't mean it uh it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Uh there's been countless times where I'm analyzing the situation, especially with loved ones or friends, and uh I'm on the other end. Um, you know, they're they are the the offenders. I'm on the other end of it. I I give them grace. But it's one of those things where it makes you start to question, like, if this is a repeated pattern or if this is who they are. Uh do I need to start evaluating the position they have in my life where I'm always at the uh I'm always on the other end of their ignorance. How do I control that? You know what I mean? Well, maybe not control, because you can't can't really control what they do. You can you can I guess in a way limit your interactions, you can I guess what this quote is saying, like expect that from them. However, it it it another question comes is is your expectance of them if you it is your acceptance of them being that way accepting accepting the the BS, if you will? Are you being not complacent, but are you being Yeah, are you being complacent with them? Is this are they taking you for granted? Are there are they changing their behaviors? Are they choosing to be ignorant at this point? Are you voicing are you voicing this to them? But that's a that's a whole nother discussion off in a tangent. But yeah, there's no the random people, yeah. I see how it's hard to be angry with them because those are some of those are one-off interactions, like driving in road rage or actually you being in a store and someone being rude to you while you're waiting in line, stuff like that, like very, very fleeting. Like there's no need to get worked up over that. And I was just talking to I was talking to my wife, and I'm like, sometimes in situations like that, my quick thing is like, yo, I got somewhere to be. Like, yeah, I'm getting offended right now, but I really want to get home to this sandwich and eat. Like, I'm I'm I'm in, I'm only in here to get some Doritos. Um I want to get home to this sandwich to eat. So I just need this interaction to hurry up. I'm not gonna prolong it. I'm not even gonna give this any ammunition to uh to progress any further. But I progress. So, what are the tangible benefits of beginning your day with this mental exercise? Well, for one, you can reduce your anger and frustration. Most of our anger and frustration comes from being surprised by human imperfection. When you expect it, you're not surprised. The behavior is no longer a personal attack. It's simply a demonstration of a person's lack of wisdom. Your anger is disarm before it can even ignite. You become more resilient. This practice builds emotional resilience. You train yourself to be a rock in the face of emotional storms. The rude comments, the selfish actions, and the disloyal words are no longer able to shake your inner peace because you're prepared for them. You become a person who can calmly navigate a difficult world. You cultivate genuine compassion. This has to be the most profound benefit. This isn't just about protecting yourself, it's about developing a deep, abiding sense of compassion for all humanity. It's a practice that moves you from judgment to understanding. It makes you a more patient and kind person, not because you're naive, but because you understand the source of human suffering. And last, you gain perspective. This quote puts the drama of a day in perspective. When someone cuts you off in traffic, you can remind yourself that their actions are due to their ignorance. And it's a small, insignificant event in the grand scheme of things. It allows you to focus on what truly matters, your character and your response instead of what is fleeting. So, how do we actually put this into practice? For starters, um, we could begin a morning ritual. Start your day by reading this quote. Take a few minutes to mentally visualize the kinds of people you might encounter and to remind yourself that their faults are a result of ignorance. That's something I don't do. Uh like let's just say, for an example, I know I'm going to work. I know who I work with, I know who will be there, I know their personalities by now. But that's one thing I don't do. I don't prepare myself for their personalities. I wake up, I drink my coffee, I turn on CNBC, I work out, I get in the car, I head to work. Not once do I ever think like, all right, so-and-so is gonna be this way, they'll be there. Expect that from them. So-and-so is gonna be this way, expect that from them. And it's almost an easy thing to do because uh your office or your nine-to-five is an environment where uh the folks there pretty much act the same every day. Like they have to. They are in the lane of being professional and being themselves. They don't step outside of that. Like I don't know their personal, personal, personal life or how they are. So it's one of those things where it's kind of easier to gauge, and I never really thought of it that way. Number two is when it happens, when someone is rude to you, pause before you react. Take a deep breath, and consciously say to yourself, Here's that insolence. They are acting this way because they're ignorant to what is good. And another third thing that you can do is you know, practice on the small things. Start with minor annoyances like slow drivers or a rude store clerk. As you get better at it, you can apply it to bigger challenges, like a difficult family member or a disloyal friend. And I'm telling you, those those bigger challenges, like actually people that you care about, is that's gonna be the the thing that you're gonna actually have to practice and work on every day. So in retrospect, don't don't make it, don't let this make you cynical. Remember, this isn't a a cynical practice. The goal isn't to think everyone is bad, the goal is to be emotionally prepared and to find compassion with a person at their worst. It allows you to see the suffering in their actions. The quote begin each day by telling yourself, today I shall be meeting with interference and gratitude. Insolence, disloyalty, ill will, and selfishness, all of them, due to the offender's ignorance of what is good or evil, is a gift. It's a mental tool that allows us to find peace in a chaotic world. It tells us that our tranquility is not dependent on the actions of others, but on our own mental preparation. It's a daily practice that transforms us from being victims of human vice to compassionate observers and from angry reactors to masters of our own minds. Thank you for joining me on the According West Podcast. Until next time, may you find strength and peace in your daily preparation.